Red nurse syndrome: how to recover from the unbridled need to help
When someone feels complete only by dedicating himself totally to the care of the other, he is not always altruistic. More often than not, especially when it comes to love, this predisposition can be the obvious symptom of a syndrome better known as red nurse syndrome. A psychological condition that traps people within dysfunctional relationships from which it is important to get out as soon as possible. If the seriousness of such an attitude is not clear to you, read this article and find out all the implications that this syndrome can have and how to be able to heal.
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What is the Red Cross syndrome?
The Red Cross syndrome, unlike what the name might imply, is not a disease, but rather a condition in which some people find themselves in a relationship, both of love but also of friendship. "I will take care of you, you will be fine, you will be grateful and you will love me!" is the principle behind this dysfunctional mechanism in which the bond between two people is based solely on the help services that one offers constantly to the other.
It is mainly women who suffer from the Red Cross syndrome, but it is not believed that men are immune to it. This fact is not insignificant, since it is the clear symptom of a cultural heritage that still imposes on women the role of "angel of the hearth". Women, therefore, grow up with a single mission in life: to take care and please the people around them, thus ending up neglecting themselves and their needs, an instinct that reaches its peak within emotional relationships.
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Why is it also called Wendy's syndrome?
The Red Cross nurse syndrome is also called "Wendy's syndrome", named after the protagonist of the novel by J. M. Barry, whom we all know as Peter Pan's best friend. Wendy, just 10 years old, takes care of her siblings, of the children lost on Neverland and of Peter Pan himself, a boy who remains nailed to childhood and categorically refuses to grow up.
The behavior of the two protagonists did not go unnoticed by the attentive gaze of Dan Kiley, a psychologist who, starting from this story, has identified two syndromes: Peter Pan syndrome and Wendy syndrome, precisely. If on the one hand we find an immature individual in need of attention, on the other hand, on the other hand, a person willing to give it to him, even feeling satisfied with the role played, despite the enormous responsibility he is forced to take on at an early age.
Thus the friendship that is established between Peter and Wendy is emblematic to better understand the system on which the functioning of the couple made up of “healer” and “patient” personalities is based.
The causes
There may be several reasons why a woman, and only sometimes a man, comes to assume the role of savior. Below we have tried to list the reasons that, with greater recurrence, are at the origin of this predisposition:
- The cultural background to which the completely distorted and unhealthy idea of the impossibility of a love without sacrifice is possibly attributable
- The family: the context in which we grew up is the most influential factor on the personality we develop as adults. Having parents who are too apprehensive or, on the contrary, absent and irresponsible could have triggered in the individual the obsessive need to take care of others, exactly as it was or was not done with him
- Experiences lived, especially from an emotional point of view
- A sense of inadequacy which results in an interior void apparently bridgeable only through complete devotion to others
- The difficulty in finding meaning in life
Who is the Red Cross nurse
The identikit of a Red Cross nurse, or possibly a Red Cross nurse, is not difficult to identify. This is usually an extremely protective person who takes pleasure in the help offered to others in general and to the partner in particular. The person who tends to develop the symptoms of this syndrome fears abandonment and loneliness and is often insecure. Such a lack of self-esteem leads him to believe that he does not deserve love and to convince himself that no one could ever love him except because of his cares. The Red Cross nurse, being affected by dependent personality disorder, believes that her self-affirmation is legitimized exclusively by the presence of someone, more often a man, to help and to whom to devote not only all attention but also her entire life. At the basis of a personality so devout is also the conviction that love has a price to pay when, on the contrary, it is the most spontaneous and free feeling that exists.
Who is the partner to "save"?
On the other hand, however, we find the partner to heal and support. These are not necessarily men in evident need, in the throes of addictions or depression, but more often of narcissists, suffering from Peter Pan syndrome, with a desperate need for the care and gratification that the Red Cross nurse will always be ready to give them. In general, we are faced with a deeply unsolved man, who still does not have a clear direction to give his life. Most of the time, the nagging attentions of the partner will make him sink further into his ineptitude and lead him to gradually move away from it, until finally abandoning it.
The dark side of the Red Cross Syndrome
Having now a rather clear picture of the personality of a Red Cross nurse and that of the partner to whom she usually attaches herself, it seems evident that the love relationship between the aforementioned couple of individuals is deeply wrong on several levels. First of all, it must be considered that the altruism of the Red Cross nurse is by no means disinterested. His attitude, in fact, is not so much oriented to the good of the other, but more to fill an existential void and to assign himself a value in the world. In practice, the Red Cross nurse wants to help her partner to feel useful and indispensable so that, being totally dependent on his contribution, he can only love her for the rest of his life. In essence, their story is based on a blackmail of love, a premise that in itself portends an inevitable failure. Relations of this type, in fact, can only be always and in any case destined for a dramatic ending in which the Red Cross nurse will end up canceling herself, totally forgetting her own needs, before realizing that it is not possible to change nor to save people. and the partner, in the end, will be even further away from redemption and further emptied of his degree of autonomy.
How to heal
To get out of a twisted and sometimes toxic dynamic like that experienced on one's skin by the woman - or possibly by the man - a Red Cross nurse, it is urgent to undertake a path of self-awareness and work on one's self-esteem outside the dynamics of the couple. First of all, the Red Cross nurse must recognize the fallacies behind this type of relationship and, for once, put herself at the center of her life. This has nothing to do with selfishness, but, on the contrary, with self-love, what an individual suffering from this syndrome clearly lacks. All of this is often not possible without the help of a mental health specialist. The Red Cross nurse is strongly recommended to take a path alongside a psychotherapist who will help her investigate her past and come to terms with all her fears in order to be able to face them and learn to live with them without being overwhelmed. Only by working on yourself will you be able to attract the right people to yourself and establish happy and healthy relationships with them.
