SECOND CHILD: HOW DOES FAMILY LIFE CHANGE?

in collaboration with Silvia Felis, a Milanese psychologist who deals with support for the individual, parenting and family relationshipsthe

· 1. Speak clearly and honestly with your child
· 2. Help him to verbalize the emotions felt
· 3. Do not exclude him from meetings with his little brother
· 4. Avoid making important changes coincide with the arrival of the little brother
· 5. Pay proper attention to all the crucial stages in the life of the firstborn
· 6. Avoid making comparisons between the newcomer and the firstborn
· 7. Respect as much as possible the routine of the first-born, without introducing excessive upheavals

With the arrival of the second child, the changes and questions that crowd the thoughts of the parents are many: in fact, it is a wonderful event which, however, brings with it small revolutions, not without consequences on family life and its rhythms. . Some mothers, for example, wonder if they will feel the same emotions and joys experienced with the first or how they will manage the increased commitments. The firstborn may experience negative feelings and jealousies due to the reduced attention received with the birth of the second arrival. Regressions are also frequent, such as thumb sucking or bedwetting, tools that the child uses to draw the attention of the parents to himself.

1. Speak clearly and honestly with your child

In case your child is already quite old, it is good to inform him about what will happen once the little brother is born (the mother will go away, he will go to the hospital, he and the father will visit her and they will all go home with the little one) . It is necessary to explain to the little ones some passages that, too busy with the commitments of everyday life, we can neglect or take for granted; otherwise, without a real explanation, they could feel no longer wanted by their parents, put aside or they could give an "alternative interpretation that is also painful for them. It is therefore important to make them participate in what is happening, reassuring them about the new changes underway and making them understand the importance of their role in this new phase.

With the little ones, on the other hand, it is more useful to use a drawing to make them understand what will happen. The images, as we know, have a strong power on children: you can also explain what has been done with a sweet and understanding tone, in order to reassure and make everything as normal as possible.

2. Help him verbalize the emotions he feels

Children have fewer tools to be able to grasp and manage inner emotional states, so they could lead to uncontrolled outbursts of anger or aggression. It is always better to express an emotion than to repress it. Do not be afraid to communicate with the second child, explain to him that the mother will take care of the little brother because he will cry and will need care, just like all newborn babies, at the same time try to tell him explicitly that the affection for him will not change and that there will still be moments all for him, along with new shared habits.

In the case of younger children, non-verbal and direct behaviors are much more understandable. In these cases, it is good to keep the second child next to you while you take care of the unborn child, give him a caress and dedicate time to him when the unborn child is asleep: they are all valid substitutes for more complex verbal reassurance.

3. Do not exclude him from meetings with his little brother

Immediately allow him to hold his little brother in his arms with the help of an adult if he wants to or let him notice when he smiles at him; this will allow him to live his relationship with him positively, feel reciprocated and appreciate him.

Do not force him if he avoids it, better give him some time to experience the new presence of his little brother for gradual passages.

4. Avoid making major changes coincide with the arrival of your little brother

Try to avoid making major transformations in the life of the first-born coincide with the arrival of the second child: if possible, anticipate them. In particular with reference to the change of the room, the entrance to the new school etc.
Avoid changing the routine suddenly, it is better to prepare the child for a progressive reorganization of habits that is not too abrupt and allows him to get used to it more gently.

5. Pay proper attention to all the crucial stages in the life of the firstborn

Remember to avoid making him overly responsible. Do not make him more adult ahead of time, thinking that he is the "older" child: each stage of the child's psychophysical development is crucial and brings with it different developmental tasks associated with age. It is therefore positive to promote a sense of competence without forcing its autonomy.

6. Avoid making comparisons between the newcomer and the firstborn

Each child is unique and different and has different habits regarding physiological needs and aspects associated with temperament. Even if you now feel more prepared than the first time in the management of children, do not forget that there are individual differences that characterize the unborn children from an early age.

7. Respect the routine of the first-born as much as possible, without introducing excessive upheavals

This will allow him to give continuity to the experience and feel reassured. If changes are necessary, it is always better to first make them explicit and gradually introduce them, giving the certainty that there will be an adult next to him when he needs them.

And what about the reorganization of the family system?

Taking your own space is essential and you shouldn't feel guilty, a satisfied mother is able to take care of her children in a better way. You are a valid mom even if you ask for help from relatives, friends or babysitters even if you are on parental leave. It is important to be able to live the time spent away from their children in a serene way because, even if very young, they are able to connect with the internal states of the mother by perceiving positive or negative emotional states through eye contact, facial expressions and non-verbal. A positive emotional state will allow the child to feel more secure in the bond with the mother and during the separation and rapprochement with her.
Take some time alone where you can be with your partner: it is true you have two children and the commitments and needs in the family increase. Do not forget the pillar on which the whole family is founded: the marital relationship. Having happy and serene parents will allow your children to be more so too.
Explain clear boundaries within the family system: it often happens that the family of origin tries to replace a parent who is absent because at work or unable to be present in a certain period. Although the help of family members is precious and useful, the important thing is not to lose sight of the need to reserve a physical and mental space for the needs of the family unit.
Sharing: joining a network of people who are facing the same life stage can be a valid source of social support as well as a good opportunity for exchange.
Don't be too perfectionist: be more indulgent with yourself, you will have to cope with more needs and there will be a period of adjustment. Don't be surprised if it takes time to redefine priorities and find new ways to experience yourself in everyday life.