When the child wants only the mother: what to do in this situation?
None of us would doubt that the relationship between a mother and her child is always very special. This is by nature, so to speak, a fact. Therefore, it can be difficult for dads to find their place in this combination, especially during the first few months of the baby's life. However, as the age, mobility and understanding of children increase, the father also becomes more and more important and plays a vital role.
Or at least, most of the time. Because there are children who, even at 3, 4 or 5 years old, ask their mother for everything and refuse to receive paternal help. How can one react to this behavior and how can it be changed?
In fact, one fact is certain: if our children always call us mothers for help, whether it is for the search for a lost toy or for a consolation after a fall, then not only our patience will reach the limit but also that of fathers, because they feel rejected and superfluous. Plus, all of this can have a negative effect on the relationship.
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A testimony: "Mom, I love you more than dad"
A mother told us her experience on this very issue.
"I had to think a lot recently" when my four-year-old daughter whispered to me, 'Mom, I love you much more than Dad. she had to say something like that, because dad loves her too. But I didn't, because what she feels is real to her and I couldn't dissuade her like that. In fact, it made me wonder why he said it. "
“In our house, both children usually call mom first. Because mom is there.Even though my husband is alone with the children in the morning and takes them to school and kindergarten, in the afternoon he is not there in their free time. Instead, we play games, read stories, engage in puzzles and other activities. Dad only comes back for dinner and just before going to sleep. "
The power of habit
«So, whenever in his spare time he needs an adult hand to help him, the reliable hand is that of his mother and out of pure habit he is called even when there is father. There is no malice behind all this, but "just" habit. This is probably what my daughter's statement is based on. "
“His need for attention and affection is usually met by me. They are his usual point of contact for worries and tears, but also for good times and funny stories. Because when dad comes home, the tears dry, we play and we tell stories.
Also, my daughter now sees herself as a girl. It is clear to her that she and I have more in common than her and dad. True to the motto "we women must remain united", they are often your first choice when you need help or want to tell an important story. "
What can be done to involve the father more?
If dad feels left out or even if mom feels she has to do everything herself, it helps, in the first place, to talk about it openly, honestly and without reproaches. Where do they both see the reasons for the child's behavior? Is the child going through a stage of development?
The important thing is not to blame only the other person. Nor is it the fault of dad, because he is not there and works, nor is it the fault of mum, because he becomes responsible for everything. The reasons are probably somewhere in between.
Help both parents and baby develop rituals. When dad, who has been out all day, comes home in the evening, he should still make time for the kids. This means: turning off the cell phone, sitting down and listening to the stories of the children about their day. Children need attention and the feeling that they are receiving no less than 100 percent of it.
Changing the "old domestic strategies"
All of this means that both parents have to change what is normally expected of them. For example, it is not true that fathers can "only" take their children to school or play football with their sons, while mothers have other tasks, especially with regard to their daughters. We need to overturn these mental schemes anchored to the past and understand that there are no well-defined roles.
Time spent with children, even if it is only one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening, should be used without restrictions or limits. Furthermore, you must trust your partner and the fact that he knows how to manage the relationship with his children well, perhaps in a different way than you do, but always with good results. So when the daughter calls mom again, when it's time to go to bed, for example, mom has to retreat back from time to time if dad wants to.
Because, as we have already learned, children are creatures of habit. If dad always puts his daughter to bed for a while, with a story and a short cuddle, he will be admired and appreciated by the little girl. Maybe not immediately, but after a few days. So, when the father tells the bedtime stories without any more opposition and can play freely with the children, you mothers can also have a well-deserved fear.
