MOM SHAMING: REAL 'BAD MOMS' ARE THE ONES WHO JUDGE

There is no perfect parent or a manual that teaches how to be a good mother or a good father; that's why we live with the constant doubt of doing things wrong. When it comes to raising a child, there are few certainties! And guilt abounds ... here's what an expert in childhood education thinks, about parental guilt and parent-child separation. Watch the video!

What is mom shaming?

Ask a new mom if you have ever received unwanted criticism or judgment about her being a mother. He will most likely tell you yes. This means having undergone mom shaming.
Mom shaming is a phenomenon, much more widespread than we think, in Europe and in the rest of the world, with particular declines in all Western countries. In essence, these are social pressures aimed at mothers, specifically those who have recently had a baby. These attitudes equal to bullying are usually criticisms / judgments received both online and in real life, regarding the way to raise their child and arouse strong feelings of shame in the mother (hence the word shaming).

Various aspects of motherhood are attacked: the use of pacifiers and bottles, the choice to continue training when pregnant and post partum, the decision to return to work, the way to play with your children ... in short. , anything is open to criticism when it comes to mom shaming.
The scariest thing is that many of these decidedly not very constructive attitudes derive from the family context. And there are so many: let's see the numbers of mom shaming in the world.

How widespread is mom shaming

We have said that it is a very widespread phenomenon, which has increased in size in recent years. But what are we talking about?
Research in Michigan calculated that two-thirds of mothers are subjected to mom shaming, mostly by family members (often women) and this makes them feel even more embarrassed about the way they raise their children.
The survey involved 475 mothers whose children were under the age of 5, thus preschoolers. Sixty-one percent of respondents said they were criticized for the decisions they made with respect to their children, their parents, but also their in-laws, relatives of varying degrees and even their partner. Not an easy reality if you have to live with it 24 hours a day.
Most of the advice received was found to be completely superfluous to the improvement of the child's growth and therefore useless. The main criticisms have focused on the discipline of children, on "nutrition and sleep habits; there is also a" significant portion of 40% reporting negative judgments relating to breastfeeding or the use of bottles.
Questioning a mother's abilities is an attitude that in the long run can make her feel insecure about the decisions to be made for the good of her children, and therefore potentially harmful.

The US poll shows us that in many cases criticism ends up doing more harm than good, even if done with the best of intentions, and often feeds mom and dad's uncertainties. Being a parent isn't easy, it never was!

How "the concept of motherhood has changed: being mothers every day"

Motherhood has changed hand in hand with society, the family and the couple: today you can freely choose when to have a child and the "fertile" period in which to decide to become a mother has definitely lengthened. Not only that, fathers (fortunately) have become more willing to share the burden of raising a child and are more present in the care of their child. Mothers go back to work when they have a stable one and the support network allows it. In short, a lot has changed in the life of a mother today in recent decades.

In theory it all seems very progressive, but in practice the behaviors have not changed that much; this is because the human soul has its time to change. It is not uncommon to hear a woman judged about her motherhood, even when little is known about her. Mom shaming focuses on the guilt of a young mother, still upset by this extraordinary and overwhelming experience. Obviously motherhood today is a much more idealized concept than it used to be, perhaps because there are fewer children than ever and perhaps because women often find it harder to carry a peaceful pregnancy to term. The first children arrive at a very different age from the one our mothers had and for this reason the couple is expected to be mature, perfect and without defects. Reality? Whether at 20 or 45, a child always upsets a person's life and no one is able to prepare them for the frustrating moments of being a mother, for defeats and worries, and for this reason they have every right to make mistakes and correct yourself.

Today's parents are certainly subjected to brutal social pressure, exacerbated by the use of social media, an outlet for many people dissatisfied with their lives.

Why some people judge new mothers

Often the type of mother affected by these attacks is a famous person, and the criticism takes the form of an attempt to undermine her image or self-esteem. Unfortunately, mom shaming can easily happen to ordinary people, just having someone who does not empathize with the delicate situation of a new mother or an environment that does not understand her in her new role is enough. The common element of all the people who criticize new mothers is certainly a base of envy, but there can also be disappointment, aggression ...

"Aren't you ashamed to let your child sleep in the bed?", "Why don't you prepare your child's baby food with your own hands?" And "But aren't you breastfeeding?", "Have you already started working again, is the baby small?". These are just a few examples that you can read on the Instagram or Facebook profile of celebrities who have recently become mothers. Transmute them into real life and you will recognize trite questions that have "You are a bad mother" as their only subtitle.

But the really "bad" moms are the ones who throw these digs first. People with a strong sense of inadequacy and dissatisfaction. Envious, rivals, high-ranking women, VIPs and well integrated into society. Probably because these are precisely the environments in which children are few and we tend to see a child as a mirror of the parent, a sort of trophy to be exhibited. Not to mention the possible projection that some mothers make in comparison with others: I judge you in this attitude of yours because in this way it is not me who is wrong, but you.

How to survive mom shaming: tips

A woman or a father who approaches parenthood for the first time finds himself in one of the most fragile moments of his life. If he suffers a "wave of criticism and judgments, his psyche is greatly affected and this is why being a victim of mom shaming is something really bad."
But luckily it is possible to react to these attacks! First of all, one must not feel "bad", ignoring gossips as much as possible and moving away from the source that causes us all this pain (in the case of a family member who is a little too intrusive).
It can help to limit the use of social media; motherhood is very vulnerable and it is an intimate moment, try to enjoy it and keep the photos to yourself. This does not mean that you have to isolate yourself from the world, but rather ask for the support of loved ones: mom shaming is a form of bullying and can become dangerous, triggering a depressive spiral.Talk about your emotions with those who love us is a winning strategy.
Last but not least, it is essential to cultivate your self-esteem, to feel good with your child and above all with yourself.