Jealousy: at the origin of this feeling and how to manage to control it
Jealousy is the expression of an often irrational fear that involves most of us. According to the dictionary definition, it is a feeling of painful restlessness of a person who, feeling a desire for exclusive possession, fears an infidelity from your loved one. But jealousy can affect the most disparate areas of our life and manifest itself in many different ways. Let's find out everything there is to know about this "love disease" and, above all, how to manage it.
Since low self-esteem is one of the main causes of jealousy, watch this video and discover some simple exercises to learn to love yourself more every day!
Jealousy: a universal feeling
Who has never felt jealousy, throw the first stone. Nobody, huh? Just as we expected. Jealousy, in fact, is a universal feeling and no one, man or woman, can be said to be totally immune to what William Shakespeare had defined as "a green-eyed monster".From childhood to adolescence up to adulthood, this movement of mind is an integral part of our life and manifests itself in the most disparate contexts. It can be a toy, the attention of our parents, a boyfriend or a friend, it is only the object of jealousy that changes, not the emotions felt.
Usually, when we think of a jealous person, the first thing that comes to our mind is love affairs. Life as a couple, in fact, is the most fertile ground when it comes to strong feelings, for better or for worse. In this case, jealousy is a sort of cognitive response to the threat that someone may take away our partner, the one we consider the love of our life and, sometimes unfortunately, also an individual of our exclusive property. In this case, one might even think of associating jealousy with a self-defense mechanism, with which one protects oneself from any pains of love. A fairly well-founded theory if we consider that for some psychologists this feeling is a guarantee of survival for human beings.
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Jealousy vs envy: what's the difference?
It often happens that people confuse jealousy and envy. Before proceeding, let's try to clarify and distinguish the two concepts once and for all. In the first case, what makes us suffer is the thought that someone may take away from us something we already possess. In the second case, however, we feel hostility towards those who have something that we crave but which, unfortunately, does not belong to us. What these feelings have in common is the low self-esteem of the person who experiences them and the bad thoughts that come to form towards those who are identified as "rivals".
Are men and women jealous alike?
A question that you may have asked yourself several times in your life is whether men and women are equally jealous. In general, the spread of jealousy between the sexes is quite homogeneous, but it can vary according to the culture they belong to. However, a group of evolutionary psychologists found a fundamental difference in the origin of this sentiment in men and women. Regardless of the conduct of the individual couple, without a DNA test, a man cannot be 100% certain that the child carried in the womb by his wife or girlfriend is his. It is this ancestral uncertainty that gives rise, more or less unconsciously, to jealousy in men. A feeling, in this case, linked to the anxiety of a "failure" to reproduce and to suspicions about the partner's "sexual" fidelity. Women, on the other hand, fear more than anything else an emotional betrayal by the partner. If the latter, in fact, falls in love or feels an infatuation for another woman, he will begin to neglect and then gradually abandon both her and any children he had together, forcing her to take on all family commitments. Obviously these are not fixed rules, but it is undeniable that these ancient fears have been internalized over time, coming to condition us even today.
Why are we jealous?
When a person becomes jealous, there can be several triggers, such as:
- Low self-esteem: jealousy takes over not so much when we lose confidence in the other, but in ourselves. Our sense of inferiority mixed with low self-love makes us doubt our worth, leading us to wonder how a person can fall in love with us and prefer us to others. Not believing in ourselves, we struggle to find an answer to these questions and we become convinced that this is not possible and that, as a result, the partner will end up throwing himself into the arms of someone better than us.
- Trauma: having collected traumatic experiences, especially in the sentimental field, can mark a person for life and, when unresolved, generate pathological behaviors that are often uncontrollable.
- Fear of abandonment: as we have already pointed out at the beginning of this article, the basis of jealousy is the blind fear of losing a partner because of another person. Even the origin of the abandonment syndrome can be traced back to possible traumas experienced by the subject in the course of his life and never completely healed.
- An unhealthy idea of love for which the partner is considered an object of our property.
The main symptoms of jealousy
Now that we have a clearer idea of the concept of jealousy, let's see what are the main symptoms that distinguish this feeling:
- Anguish: the jealous individual can hardly count on inner calm and serenity. On the contrary, she will always be on the alert so as not to lose sight of the loved one and the potential "enemy".
- Control Mania: Jealousy can escalate into OCD. This means that the person will try to keep both the relationship and the life of the partner under their control in the illusion that everything can work perfectly.
- Anger: The anger in these cases is mainly aimed at the one or she whom we recognize as our possible rival in love.
- Frustration: this feeling arises when we become aware of the absurdity of certain thoughts, but at the same time we are unable to repress them.
- Fear: the fear of being abandoned by the person we love is the main characteristic of jealousy and at the same time a symptom and cause.
- Distrust: this cautious attitude is due to the idea that anyone who approaches our partner can potentially turn into a contender.
- Paranoia: when we are jealous, suspicions and paranoid thoughts crowd our mind, leading us to imagine all the possible scenarios of a possible betrayal.
Jealousy in children
As already mentioned above, jealousy has no age and often begins to disturb souls starting from childhood. Sigmund Freud himself, who is considered the father of psychoanalysis, was of the idea that we all feel this feeling already as children, when we wish to have all the attention of our parents for us and we welcome with bad humor the news of the arrival of a new little brother or a new little sister. Therefore, it is precisely the jealousy that we feel when we are children in front of cuddles or "stolen" toys that in the years to come ends up interesting and pouring out on our adult relationships.
All kinds of jealousy
Jealousy can be of different types and have different shades. Let's see the main ones:
- Material: addressed to those objects that we own and that we do not want for any reason in the world to give to others.
- Healthy: that harmless feeling we have towards a loved one, whether it is a partner, friend or family member, and that we are still able to control.
- Romantic: in this case, we are more specifically jealous of the person with whom we have a sentimental relationship and we fear that a third presence could intrude and take it away. Also in this case, it is a rather manageable feeling and considered positive by some because it is able to revive the relationship and make the couple more close-knit.
- Pathological and obsessive: in this case, we are faced with an unhealthy feeling, often a direct consequence of emotional addictions and toxic loves. The jealous person, now convinced that the partner has another relationship even in the absence of clear evidence, feels relentless anguish and develops a series of morbid and obsessive behaviors towards the other person: controls all his / her movements, spies chats on her cell phone and rummages in her pockets. This can degenerate into disastrous consequences such as stalking or, worse, the crime of love, compromising the happiness of the couple forever.
- Retroactive: More commonly known as jealousy of our current partner's exes.
How jealousy is treated
Sometimes no matter how well the partner behaves, is affectionate and loyal, the jealous one will never free himself from the idea that another person may come and put his relationship at risk. As we have just seen above, the manifestations of jealousy can be harmless, or they can touch the pathological. Depending on the severity of the cases, it is good to proceed by following different paths. Here, then, are some solutions with which you can learn to deal with this feeling and be able to live your love story serenely:
- Make a list of the situations that trigger jealousy in you and analyze them objectively. Swap roles and ask yourself if your partner would do well to be jealous every time you watch or talk to another person. This will help you learn to put the situation in perspective and rationalize your anxieties.
- Communicate: Good communication is the foundation of any happy relationship. Share all your doubts and fears with your partner, but without oppressing them. If he truly loves you, he will not remain indifferent to your emotions, but he will try to help you by showing you that you have nothing to fear.
- Cultivate your independence: if the idea of losing your loved one is an unbearable thought for you, it means that there are gaps in your life that you must learn to fill on your own. Spend time on your own, cultivate your friendships and dedicated to your passions: only in this way will you learn to no longer confuse addiction with love.
- Make a list of all those qualities and qualities that your partner has fallen in love with you for, asking them directly to him / her. Whenever you feel jealousy growing in you, reread this list to reassure yourself and not lose sight of the genuineness of her feelings.
- Opt for psychotherapy: unfortunately, it is not always possible to turn off certain thoughts on your own. If you feel that you cannot control your jealousy and are concerned that it will suffocate your partner, to avoid an unpleasant ending, seriously consider consulting a psychology specialist. Thanks to a targeted therapy, the psychotherapist will be able to dig deep inside you, bringing out the possible causes behind this syndrome and helping you to solve the root problem.
