WHAT IS CHILDHOOD JEALOUSY IN CHILDREN AND HOW TO DEAL WITH IT

It often happens that when a new brother / sister arrives, the little one in the house gets dark. This is the typical childhood jealousy that triggers strong feelings and new insecurities in children. Your task as a parent is to prepare him to face these feelings and make him understand that you will always be there for him. Start by carving out time just for the two of you: the moment of play is very important for a child, watch the video to understand how.

What is infantile jealousy and how it is recognized

Being jealous of a child is perfectly normal, especially when he realizes that he is no longer the center of the universe for his parents. This often happens when he discovers that a second child is on the way within the family context.

Every child wants to be loved by mom and dad more than his siblings, but there are cases where this jealousy leads to something uncontrolled. Could it happen that the feelings of rivalry, instead of disappearing over time, tend to worsen? Today we try to give an explanation to all these typical behaviors of childhood, leaving you also some useful advice on how to deal with crisis situations.

Childhood jealousy can occur at different ages and is usually linked to the sense of frustration felt towards parents. Or rather, it occurs when the child perceives a change in the attention that mom or dad give him, and very often this happens when a baby is on the way.
It is good to be able to distinguish physiological from pathological jealousy: the first appears when specific events occur in family life (a new birth or a family illness) and is motivated by this change within the family dynamics; jealousy without reason, on the other hand, does not appear when there are particular causes. It is also recognized because instead of regressing, it tends to worsen, and resentment progresses over time, leading to even rupture attitudes towards loved ones. In this case, the only way to manage the child is to seek medical advice.

How to prevent jealousy in a child?

To try to contain the feelings of envy and anger that arise in the child you can put in place some prevention practices. For both the well-being of the children and the well-being of the whole family, it is advisable to prepare the children for the arrival of the little brother or sister. This means talking, discussing, and especially not forgetting to take the first-born in your arms during pregnancy; if you really can't give him some extra cuddles, they are an important moment in the mother-son relationship!

Jealousy comes from the conviction of not being loved and this is the big obstacle that parents have to face: to make the little one of the house understand that they will always be next to him and will always love him. We must guide him to discover his emotions and how it is possible to manage them. Thanks to this support, the little one will learn to grow and mature and will be able to face future relationships more easily.
A child who lives the experience of a little brother in a positive way is more self-confident and feels comfortable facing his feelings head-on. Always preserve the uniqueness of your children, they will feel more appreciated. You can also organize a division of homework that enhances the qualities of each one and never forget to praise the successes achieved by each child: thus you strengthen self-esteem and minimize the envy between brothers.

Obviously, these advice apply in situations where normal infantile jealousy arises; in cases where there is a clinical disorder and the suffering experienced by the child is not attributable to particular events, it is advisable to contact a specialized doctor.

Let's now analyze the most common types of childhood jealousy.

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Jealousy of children towards siblings

This is an extremely widespread feeling in developmental age and very often it is the firstborn who feels it in all its strength, towards the younger siblings. Generally it is the result of external, environmental or evolutionary factors, but there may also be some gentic causes.

Jealousy between siblings appears evident when one of the children is the "privileged" of the family, that is, the one who holds most of the attention from the parents. The age range between 2 and 5 years is the most critical moment for the birth of a new family member because it is the phase of attachment, and therefore very delicate to manage. If the second child arrives a short distance from the other (within 3 years), all the care needs that both children require overlap.
How to recognize that the child is jealous of his brother? Usually this feeling of discomfort is expressed in several ways: unjustified mood swings, signs of unhappiness (crying for no reason), regression and sudden changes in behavior (a classic is bedwetting even if the child is old enough) and also non-acceptance of one's mistakes to the detriment of others. The child could also behave aggressively and be unwilling to obey. In particular, the manifestations of anger are directed towards the smallest and it is not uncommon to hear pungent phrases addressed precisely to the newborn .

Jealousy of mom or dad

A child would like his mother all to himself, but the reality is quite different. Especially in the case of only children, it happens that the child feels jealousy towards the parent he is most attached to, usually the mother.
This attitude arises because of the Oedipus complex (for boys) or Electra (for girls), both analyzed by Freud in his studies of evolutionary psychology.
It is a very identifiable jealousy because it has specific characteristics: it manifests itself around the fifth or sixth year of age and is a form of unconscious love. The feeling is addressed to the parent of the opposite sex, while hostile and competitive manifestations against the other occur.

Don't worry, if you have noticed that your child expresses himself with these behaviors, everything is normal! It is a phase that children go through to develop their emotional maturity and it resolves spontaneously when the child becomes aware of the fact that he will not be able to take the place of the parent with his same sex in the family, but that he will have to wait to grow up to find one or more. a life partner.

To survive these phases it is important that the relationship between mom and dad is solid and serene at the base, because otherwise the child could pick up the signals of tension between adults as one more reason to be jealous of the parent of the opposite sex.

How to manage childhood jealousy: listen and reassure

Since childhood jealousy depends not only on children but also on parents, it is important to have open-hearted conversations with your children. If there are quarrels in the family, even small ones, the climate can become unpleasant and the tension can be felt. Not infrequently it happens that parents get nervous in front of the classic teasing between siblings, because they do not understand the reasons. Instead, by identifying right away that a baby is jealous of the new born, some strategies can be put in place to help him understand that there is no reason to feel that feeling of envy and competition.

First of all, therefore, it is necessary to understand the origin of jealousy: as a parent you know your frugoletto well and the environment in which he lives. Once you have identified the source of the feeling, you can act accordingly.
Always give voice to his emotions, try to establish a dialogue so that you can explain what he is feeling, listen to him and put yourself in his shoes; this does not mean justifying his every prank or aggressive action, but simply not blocking his emotions.

Try not to judge his behavior, and at the same time minimize attitudes aimed at getting your attention, such as excessive crying and tantrums. You can try to contain them with rules that on the one hand calm negative feelings and on the other enhance positive behaviors; when the child manages to respect the limits, reward him with sweet words and a lot of affection, he will gradually learn to self-manage. Alternatively try with of themed jobs or with the jar of Montessori calm.

These rules must be clearly respected, and if they involve other actors in the family, everyone must follow them. There is no need for punishments or overly rigid methods. If we are the first to address children with an aggressive attitude, they will tend to imitate us!

Another way to manage jealousy between siblings in the family is to emphasize the privileges of one and the other, perhaps extolling the positive aspects of being the eldest child or the youngest child.
The attitude that must always be promoted is calm and reassuring: the love felt for one's children is unconditional and there must be no comparisons between one brother and the other, in order not to undermine their insecurities. Even if your child seems to you by now. "great", in reality it is in full development and has a constant need to feel supported by those who brought it into the world.

Working on childhood jealousy can be tiring, but it is important to do so because it is a source of suffering which, if not treated in the bud, could affect the child's future interpersonal relationships.

Dealing with childhood jealousy: last practical tips

Give children the opportunity to learn from their mistakes by solving conflicts on their own; if they come to blows obviously you have to intervene, which happens frequently if the siblings do not have a big age difference;
The rules you establish must be clear and simple, so that even the little ones understand when they cross a certain threshold;
Don't take anybody's side when you notice who started the fight; it is better to reiterate that a certain action is wrong, such as, for example, that one does not hit each other in the family;
In cases where children cannot make peace on their own, separate them briefly, even if only for 5 minutes.