Extended family: what does it mean? Advantages and problems that can arise
If you are part of an extended family, you will know that managing relationships between people from different backgrounds is not always easy. But what if we told you that this situation also hides opportunities? The aim of this article is to stimulate reflection that will help everyone, even those who are not happy with their situation. The video below is useful for dwelling on the feelings of guilt that parents are often prey to.
What is meant by extended family today?
The concept of an extended family has evolved and changed over the years: if in the past an extended family meant a family unit that included grandparents, as well as parents and children, today it is very different. Marriage does not last forever: you get married, then divorce and then find a new partner or partner. But if before we tried in every way not to separate and continue to be together "for the sake of the children", today (fortunately) we choose more frequently to share the roads, restoring the calm that was lacking between husband and wife. Although it might seem strange, we can assure you that the first to benefit are the children. Seeing one's mother and father serene even if distant is much more satisfying than having to listen to the numerous daily quarrels in which perhaps one is also involved. Here comes the flooded family: the new partner is spaced in the same house with any children in tow. It is precisely the expansion of these relationships, however, although it is not easy to accept immediately, that it can offer opportunities for personal enrichment. Let's see what they are, without neglecting the problems that may arise.
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Being part of an extended family: advantages and disadvantages
As already mentioned above, being part of an extended family brings with it some advantages that are not negligible. Here are a few.
- Becoming more aware and less self-centered
- Doing experience
- Learning that happiness is built and not to be taken for granted
- Learn to cope with difficulties
- Living with different people helps to develop the ability to adapt, to open up to other points of view, to accept that there are also ways of thinking different from ours.
Many people immediately associate the term problem with the word extended family, but this is not exactly the case. The truth is problems exist for everyone and therefore can also exist within an extended family. Let's see the main ones.
- Don't accept failure
One of the first problems to arise is the idea that the initial family did not work and consequently, by not accepting the failure, the expectation is created and imposed on us that the new family must necessarily function well at all costs, in so you can put your own ransom into effect. It goes without saying that all this is wrong: if you have made mistakes in the past it will be good not to repeat them, but you cannot insist on perfection as relationships must be built gradually, without any imposition.
- Strive for control at any cost
In extended families, it is easy for one or both parents to want to be in control in every situation.Even this case history is absolutely utopian, as it will be impossible to have everything under control, guaranteeing a certain degree of sentimental freedom to all members.
- Wanting to be perfect and having too high expectations
An extended family will be beautiful even with its weaknesses and flaws. The increasingly widespread tendency to be impeccable, and that children must always be good and good in every situation, cannot be real and is completely wrong. Rather than establishing a climate aimed at perfectionism, the thought should be passed that happiness is built together during the life path, facing together criticalities, moments of suffering and imperfections.
- Judging without reflecting
The judgments, especially the hasty one, have never benefited anyone. In extended families, where different blood ties coexist, one should never judge, an activity that we can define as highly destructive, because when you point the finger at someone "else, you do nothing but fuel conflicts, wiping out the serene atmosphere that should be always present. The example must start with adults, who, recognizing their own prejudices, will be called to respect different points of view.
Extended family: managing young children and adolescents
How to manage both small and adolescent children within an extended family? The watchword is flexibility. Parents must be able to adapt to the needs of their children, considering also and above all the different age groups. On the one hand there will be small children who, in order to accept the change, will need to rebuild their usual routine; on the other. , adolescents who will tend to shut themselves up in silence or pretend that everything is fine even when it is not. In this second case it is important to carefully observe their behavior and to be able to patiently accept the attitudes they will have.
In general, it is always important to define the roles clearly and from the beginning: the new partner or new partner will not be the new father or the new mother, but a figure to be respected and who can also play a fundamental role in the establishment of a serene climate. In any case this person will never replace the real parent. In a nutshell, the extended family can be a good training ground for life that will help develop their communication skills useful for finding agreements between the different needs of its members .
The relationship between stepbrothers in an extended family
One of the biggest concerns of parents is that their children are able to have good relationships with their partner's children. Often and willingly this situation is overestimated because children and young people are able to understand people and situations more than one might believe. Sometimes, however, especially in adolescence, the boys are not willing to accept the new conditions, sometimes even out of simple spite against the father or mother, giving rise exclusively to their own instinct for rebellion.
What you can do is take advantage of this situation to make your children learn to live with different people, without expecting or requiring them to have feelings at all costs.
The fact that a parent feels love for a new life partner does not mean that it should be the same for the children. The same is true between stepbrothers: it is difficult for a relationship of friendship to be created, the times in which there will be arguments will be much more frequent, but this happens often and willingly even between blood brothers!
From a certain point of view the children, when the extended family is created, are undergoing the will of a parent, but the same cannot happen with the feelings that should never, ever be imposed. If at the beginning the situation will be difficult, as a parent do not blame yourself: the important thing is that you always pass a message of love and respect towards your neighbor.
Communication remains the winning weapon, together with clear rules of peaceful coexistence.
