How to tell your child about death
At what age to start talking about it
The notion of death is perceived very early in life, especially from the point of view of sensations. An "image, a voice ... these" physical "shortcomings are perceived even more if the child is small. They will not remain written" psychically "in his memory, but will leave a vague feeling of emptiness in his body. When a child loses his mother, a few years later, he may even feel the memory of a perfume or a way of being picked up, but he will not be able to identify where this feeling comes from ...
At around 3-4 years of age, the child begins to familiarize himself with death through the loss of objects he cares about, or even when his parents leave him at school in the morning. Initially, death is associated with the notion of abandonment. Later, people older than him will teach him what it means to lose something, making him become aware of some realities. Such as, for example, the false existence of Santa Claus.
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How to answer your questions?
"Mom, what is death?": This crucial question comes very early in parent-child conversations. This existential question is very important for a child and you don't have to wait for a drama to happen to talk.
We often use imaginative images, such as "the grandfather has reached his grandmother in heaven" or even "he left for a long journey" ... at the beginning this strategy can be a solution, however it has its limits, risking confusion. the child. The best thing is to present the topic in a simple and honest way, without big words.
It is useless to tell a child that death is temporary and that those who have died will be absent for a long time. We simply have to explain to him that he will not return. At first this fact may be difficult to swallow, but over time acceptance will be less painful. Instead, you can admit to your baby that you absolutely don't know what happens after death. This dialogue will allow him to begin to reflect.
How to tell him about the death of a loved one?
If your child suffers a loss, it is better if the topic of death has already been addressed in the past. It is essential to tell him immediately, without waiting for him to be surprised not to see that person for some time. You must tell him, with a little delicacy, that she went to heaven and will not return. And if the pain is too great for you, just tell him that you are very sad and that you will later explain to him what happens. No lies, therefore, you would risk generating confusion and anguish in the child. Also know that a child is perfectly capable of understanding your pain and can also be very good at comforting you.
It is also necessary to explain to the child that, if that person is no longer physically present, he will always be present in his heart and will accompany him throughout his life. A photograph hanging on the wall or an old letter can help relieve her pain temporarily.
Do you have to attend the funeral?
Some psychologists recommend having the child attend the funeral. This ceremony can allow them to better understand what is happening and benefit from the support of family members. Comforting words, tender gestures, speeches in memory of the deceased loved one ... the child must be able to observe, assimilate mourning through remembrance, and be able to cry freely. Finally, this is the best way to say goodbye to a missing person. If the child wishes, he can also see the body of the deceased and put a photograph, object or drawing in the coffin.
How to help him overcome a death?
Sometimes it happens that the child feels guilty and responsible for the death of a loved one. He may remember thinking bad things, wishing this person died out of momentary anger. She may also feel responsible for thinking that she hasn't loved her enough.
Explain that it's not his fault, that thoughts don't kill, and that everyone thinks bad things. There are also children who ask for more cuddles and attention. This is a symptom of the fact that they experience death badly and have difficulty in accepting grief. In that case, let the child get close to you, respect his rhythms, always be there. Avoid leaving him alone with his pain, go out with him more often and try to share more moments of relaxation and pampering.
And if your child so desires, make regular visits to the grave of the deceased: contrary to popular belief, this can be of great help.
In case of insurmountable despair, get help!
In some extreme cases, there are children who become aggressive, refuse the company of other children, have trouble sleeping or are completely indifferent to bereavement. If this attitude becomes recurrent, it is better to contact a psychotherapist to allow the child to overcome the block and express his emotions.
