The 5 phases of separation: from anger to serenity
Whether you have been left or have made this decision, it is important to learn to understand that there are phases that will lead you to smile again from the most intense pain and, importantly, always remember to protect your children from this situation. It is important that children can always have a relationship with both parents and that quarrels never influence this bond.
Before going into detail on the different phases of separation, here is a video that suggests the most effective ways to manage and deal with a breakup.
The 5 stages of psychic separation:
1. "It's over with you!"
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Those who separate are always asked to use common sense, but when it happens, the moment one of the two understands that the union is over, good will disappears and all the factors and emotions come into play: in the end the only excluded is often common sense. But be careful that you will have to find a common way to tell the children to help them understand that they have no responsibility. Even if you are sad or angry, find a moment to discuss peacefully all together: this it will help them in this transition phase.
2. "Maybe I was wrong, he will come back to me."
Saying you want to break up is the easy step, the hard part is what comes next. It often happens that those who are left do not fully realize what is happening and wait for the return, saying to themselves: "Now he will understand what happened and he will come back", "We have children together, he will understand that he was wrong" or " He took a period of reflection, but he loves us: he's just scared ”. The mind plays a bad joke, failing to accept the pain that this choice entails, it lies to itself, lies to itself to let "time heal the wounds". This phase called “denial” is part of the separation grief cycle and it is important that it be addressed. In this case, the children live in a period of great confusion: hearing their parents divided, they feel guilty of what happened and say "But if I'm good, will dad come back?". The parent must be ready to console him and explain that he is not to blame and that the other parent always loves him.
3. "I'm very angry!"
Anyone who suffers a loss or who has been betrayed must understand that this phase is a prerequisite for overcoming the mourning of separation. You really have to get angry with the other. Feelings of anger are fundamental, the person left alone has every right to feel a grudge and it is certainly important that he can admit this feeling towards the other because only in this way can he cope with the pain that has been caused. It should be emphasized that this emotion, however, must have a limit: it is not in fact possible to destroy the car of the other spouse or to use violence against him. Furthermore, anger must never be reported to children or uttered in front of them. Too often, children are exploited in cases of separation due to the resentment between parents who, believing they are protecting them from their ex, only create damage.
4. "He will never come back."
Once the anger is overcome, the moment comes when we realize that the spouse will no longer return accompanied by the awareness that will allow us to face the true pain of separation, the most intimate and profound one. You enter a state of suffering that allows you to reflect on the mistakes made and keep the good memories. During this phase, some women suffer from strong weight changes (there are those who lose weight or those who tend to gain weight) and close themselves at home to escape from any type of relationship with the world but if there are children you must first understand their suffering and their sense of helplessness. A valid help for parents are the fairy tales related to the theme of separation that can also be found on the internet: through the story of a fictional character, the child is also able to make sense of what is happening to him.
5. "I have to make a new life!"
In the life of a separated couple there comes a time when you can consciously rebuild a life without suffering and drama, that moment when the pain has passed, you understand what were the mistakes that led to the failure of the relationship and above all you can again face everyday life stronger and more mature. It can take months, sometimes years, but sooner or later you will be able to look at your ex-spouse and see him well for what he really is: a person for whom you have had a strong feeling, perhaps the parent of your children and an individual for which has suffered a lot, but with whom now you can have a relationship of esteem, respect and trust also and possibly for the good of the offspring that has been created together.
It is the moment in which the children also begin to be more serene because they can see that the parents do not live together but still manage to fulfill the role of mom and dad without quarrels and aggression. It is the moment in which you return to breathe pure air, in which the world returns to having colors, it is that moment in which people again begin to invest in themselves, at work and in their friendships and sometimes even romantic relationships.
If the 5 phases are addressed correctly then you can face new relationships with the awareness that you have reflected well on why the marriage or the previous relationship is over so as not to repeat the mistakes of the past and look positively to the future.
by the psychologist Dr. Elena Giulia Montorsi
