Couples therapy: what are the most common signs to understand whether to start it
One of the things that scare you most about having a partner is that your relationship comes to an end. One is never really prepared for the crisis and the end of a love, because it is not possible to predict when all the frailties that distinguish the single couple will emerge. In the video below you can find first help on how to deal with a crisis in love, thanks to the reassuring words of a sexology consultant.
Birth and evolution of a couple
When it comes to love, everything is fluid, dynamic; and couple relationships are too. We inevitably tend to change and the feelings we feel towards the other evolve through personal experiences and time.
From the moment we know a person who arouses our interest, the "physical attraction" prevails, which "blurs" even the most controlled individuals. If the feeling is mutual, these feelings lead to "falling in love, starting to open up with the person." loved and to know each other thoroughly. At this point we can talk about a relationship and if the relationship continues over the months and over the years, it becomes a stable relationship. In this phase of consolidation, an initial objective evaluation of the partner begins: the overwhelming emotions of the early days are faded and we could begin to see those defects of the other that we had not noticed before. they had placed themselves in the partner, and which trigger the first doubts about the success of the relationship and the possibility of continuing it.
The couple's difficulties are part of the evolution of the relationship itself; but when are these ripples towards the other so critical as to require psychotherapeutic intervention?
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Premises for a psychotherapeutic path
If you find yourself in a stable and lasting situation, it will have happened to you several times to notice changes in your partner and in the way you relate to him / her.
These mutations are completely normal, but they do not always go in the same direction and are often the antechamber of a couple crisis.
It is precisely in these phases of profound change that the help of a psychotherapist is used to save the couple, who will propose a path of therapy that helps both to keep the relationship strong.
Facing a couple therapy is not an easy step and it is important to understand that if you decide to start it it is right that you deal with it as a couple, because the patient of a therapy of this type is not the single one.
It is therefore necessary to work together to find "harmony and love" (perhaps set aside for a while) and it is necessary to put aside personal difficulties. In a path of psychotherapy in love, the protagonist is "us" and not the " "I".Only with these assumptions is it possible to make a couple therapy work.
Obviously, it is not necessary to go to a therapist only when you are in serious conflict with your partner, but you can ask for advice to improve some aspects of the relationship, such as communication. By opting for this choice you will strengthen the couple and learn better how to deal with conflicts that will arise in the future.
How couples therapy takes place
In recent years more and more couples rely on the advice of a psychotherapist to solve problems in a love affair. As mentioned above, it is not an easy path to face, but it is the best way if you decide to give another chance to the relationship.
Couples therapy is a very effective tool: it works in particular when the partners are motivated to regain well-being and it benefits more if you start it when relationships are not too compromised. The success rate is around 70%.
What makes this therapy so important?
During psychotherapy sessions, partners have the opportunity to connect with their often neglected emotions and affective needs. Patients will be able to open up and undo those knots that had made the relationship falter, thanks to the assistance of a professional. Everything is facilitated by the context: you are in a reserved and protected environment.
How long can the therapy last? During the psychotherapeutic process, the partners realize how all frustrations are actually unmet needs and learn to communicate with each other in an optimal way, respecting and taking care of the needs of both. To reach this point of awareness, it is necessary to pass some time, therefore a couple therapy has a very variable duration and depends on the willingness that the partners have to recover the relationship and on the difficulties to be smoothed out.
The sessions take place every week or every 14 days and are normally one hour each; they can take place with only one person or in the presence of the other; the figure of the psychotherapist is present in both cases.
His task will be to give an initial assessment of the case and if he deems it necessary, start the therapy, going to explain the costs, methods and times.
What are the problems of a couple?
Now that you've seen what the merits of couples therapy are and how it takes place, let's get to the sore point. Let's find out together what are the most common symptoms that identify a couple on the verge of rupture, and which could lead to joint therapy.
We make use of the teachings of John Gottman, a famous American psychologist who is an authority on the subject. According to him, there are 4 behaviors that if expressed frequently in the course of a love story, could sanction its end. Gottman calls them the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse".
Do not worry if you find that sometimes these behaviors appear in your relationship as a couple: their sporadic appearance is absolutely normal, indeed, it is actually a good sign. It means that there are still the resources in the partners themselves to cope with critical issues and that therefore a growth path with a therapist is not necessary. In these cases, you can support yourself with self-help books or ask friends and family for advice.
If, on the other hand, these "Knights" show up most of the time and you and your partner cannot communicate properly, it is good to consider the path of couple therapy.
1st behavior: criticize
Especially when the couple's life intensifies, and we go to live together, the criticisms are not so difficult to receive as to bestow. Gottman observed that couples who have headed for the breakup have often highlighted frequent moments of criticism and much greater than the occasions of mutual appreciation. This does not mean that the problem lies in "getting angry or arguing (because all couples do), but that the real problem lies in the nature of the criticism.
Indeed, it would seem that most of the criticisms refer to the sphere of preferences and tastes and that therefore the comrades criticize each other for being different from each other. This behavior goes without saying that it does not lead to anything good, as the differences will remain over time.
In couples who are destined to break up, it is not possible to understand that the other is not a copy of ourselves and to accept their differences.
In couples that work, however, the partners have learned that being different can be a reason for appreciation and they accept the diversity of the loved one.
2nd behavior: despise
There are many factors internal and external to a couple that sanction its trend over time: the arrival of a child, a transfer, one's values, habits ... there are many things to deal with together.
Sometimes in these situations we experience negative emotions such as anger or hatred, and we feel disappointed because, like a child, we don't feel loved as we really would like on that specific occasion.
The real problem here too is not to experience these sensations, because it is normal, but if the reaction to these emotions is one of strong contempt, leading to insult the other. One unconsciously tries to humiliate the partner both with words and not, through sarcasm, cynicism, rolling eyes and insults.
Pay attention to these attitudes, because contempt comes with time, after months or years of grudges.
3rd behavior: being on the defensive
This behavior is a consequence of the first two: when you feel criticized and despised, you are on the defensive and try to justify your mistakes. Not only that, when you believe you are right, you try to prove to the other that you do not deserve the treatment immediately.
All those unions that have a very defensive attitude have been categorized by Gottman as destined to dissolve. In fact, attempts to justify oneself rarely have the desired effect: on the contrary, over time you stop listening to your partner and you only hear your own justifications.
4th behavior: stonewalling
That is to close in on oneself and prevent communication with the partner.
When one partner stops communicating with the other, they no longer provide signals that they want to understand or want to listen. It is an attitude that men especially have, when they feel exasperated after a long period of arguments.
But in doing so, the opposite reaction is triggered: the partner perceives a greater sense of danger or even criticism because one feels emotionally ignored.
Also in this case Gottman foresees an almost certain breakup of the couple.
For psychologists it is in fact easier to re-establish well-being and harmony in love if the two partners quarrel, because in some way a communication still exists and therefore also a small window of action to recover the story.
