Intrusive mother-in-law? Here is a survival manual to get out of it unscathed
Who doesn't have a married friend who does nothing but complain about the intrusive mother-in-law? If you don't have one, that friend could be you. After all, the disagreements with the mothers-in-law have been known since the dawn of time and film and literary production has not failed to make use of them, providing stereotypes and clichés about the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law in which it is still possible to trace a grain of truth. To understand the gravity and spread of the phenomenon, just think that in Italy 30% of separations are caused by differences with the mother-in-law (source: Ami, Italian Association of Matrimonial Lawyers). In short, not always, but often the mothers-in-law can turn into an uncomfortable presence in the life of a couple, so if you also don't know how to manage yours, here are a series of useful tips and tricks to survive its intrusiveness.
But first, watch this video and find out how to behave on the occasion of the first meeting with the in-laws!
Why is the relationship with the mother-in-law so complicated?
It often happens that a relationship that is anything but peaceful is established between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Sometimes, hostility is such as to break entire families. But why is the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law so difficult? First of all, it must be considered that in this dynamic there are not only two people involved, but three: wife, husband and mother of the spouse. Therefore, we are faced with a triangle, a condition that often rests on a rather precarious balance. There are lucky cases in which, at the time of the official introductions, the mother-in-law willingly accepts the new arrival and that the two get along well, as they say. More frequently, however, it happens that the mother of the groom feels threatened by this new and foreign presence and hence a whole series of misunderstandings and disagreements that seriously endanger the harmony of the whole family. The cause of all this is to be found in the difficulty encountered by many mothers in accepting that their child is now grown up and ready to start a family of his own. When this happens, some mothers feel left out and fear a definitive abandonment from part of what once was their child.This fear can sometimes be emphasized by the lack of harmony with the daughter-in-law, after all it is not possible to get along with everyone, right?
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How important is it to be emancipated from the family of origin?
To prevent the risk of running into an intrusive mother-in-law, it is urgent to anticipate and to do so must be the son and future husband. In fact, it is up to him to free himself from his family of origin as soon as possible, showing himself independent and capable of acting independently. Especially after the age of 18, he must take charge of his own life without depending entirely on his parents. Only in the face of this evolution, mom and dad will be psychologically prepared for their child's emancipation and will not experience this inevitable transition in a dramatic and conflictual way. By doing so, the mother and future mother-in-law will officially recognize the independence of the child and will know that she must not intervene on his life choices, including marriage.
What does it mean to have an intrusive mother-in-law
If you are wondering what it means to have or, possibly, to be an intrusive mother-in-law, here is the answer: an insecure and at times control freak woman, who more or less good-naturedly could be defined as nosy. This type of mother-in-law is first and foremost a mother unable to come to terms with the fact that her son is no longer a child, much less respecting his spaces, constantly invading them to intervene and influence whatever decision he and his wife are in. about to take. Often, intrusive mothers-in-law carry out a sort of emotional manipulation on their children, playing on the sense of guilt and victimhood, weapons with which they are able to bind them to themselves. When a mother fails to accept the boundaries set by her son and daughter-in-law, she reveals a deep inner self-doubt and frailty. Her annoying and importunate attitude, in fact, is often nothing more than the symptom of the more or less unconscious fear of being replaced by the one who married the child. This fear, then, pushes her to obsessively intrude into the couple's life of her now-no-longer child, with the risk of obtaining the exact opposite, pushing him to distance himself more and more as suffocated by the nagging attentions of a despotic mother. It is precisely this lack of self-esteem that sets in motion a toxic mechanism by which the mother-in-law, feeling threatened, tends to constantly compete with her daughter-in-law, compromising her marital happiness.
How to deal with a pushy mother-in-law
If the relationship with your mother-in-law is really disastrous and you feel like you've already tried them all, perhaps you have never put into practice some of the tips that we list below!
Make the best of a bad situation
It may seem like rhetorical and trivial advice, but it can sometimes save us from many uncomfortable situations. In the absence of our reaction to her constant insinuations or judgments, the intrusive mother-in-law will not find fertile ground to carry on her crusade against the marital serenity of her son. So, even when you're about to burst in front of yet another indiscreet question or cheeky comment, take a deep breath, keep calm and don't let anger or other negative emotions take over.
Make yourself independent
As reiterated at the beginning of the article, the first defense weapon against intrusive mothers-in-law is independence. And this concept does not only concern the son, but also the daughter-in-law. It is good that both members of the couple do without asking continuous favors from the family of origin, especially if you are faced with a slightly nagging mother-in-law, otherwise it will be more difficult to gradually distance yourself from her. Showing yourselves in need of his help and, above all, receiving it whenever you ask for it, in no time you will find yourself experiencing a sort of moral blackmail for which your mother-in-law, in the face of a possible confrontation, could blame you for everything she did to you.
Intrusive mother-in-law with grandchildren: what to do
Another very recurring problem when dealing with the issue of intrusive mother-in-law lies in the management of grandchildren. How many times does it happen that your in-laws have questioned the style in which you educate your children? It is a very frequent phenomenon that tends to worsen when, if necessary, you entrust them to their care. In this case, to ensure that grandparents do not unduly affect the work you have always done with your son or daughter, you and your husband jointly establish a precise educational method, informing the mother-in-law on what you have established. . Obviously, approach her with extreme calm and serenity and certainly not by imposing your ideas with arrogance and arrogance. It may happen, in fact, that your principles do not coincide and in this case, if as a couple you often make use of his help, you accept the deviations from the rule, after all, grandchildren love to be with their grandparents also because it is with them that they know they can count on greater freedom of action. Simply, avoid that the mother-in-law allows herself to completely upset your educational line and to do so you implement some tricks, for example: do you not approve of the snack that your child usually eats at his grandmother's? Well, it's a very common and solvable problem, filling her pantry with what you want your child to be fed. In general, even in this case, do not take advantage of her collaboration, but still allow her to spend enough time with her nephew. He will be thrilled and, perhaps, by focusing on the newcomer, he will give your couple respite.
Let him do the talking
When you get to the point of no longer being able to tolerate certain attitudes perpetrated by your mother-in-law, it's okay to talk to her about it but let your husband do it. First of all, deal with him always maintaining civil tones, without attacking him or blaming him and, above all, avoid in the most absolute way to insult his mother even if only subtly.Once he understands your reasons, if he truly loves you, he will speak openly to your mother-in-law and make her understand once and for all that he is no longer a child, but a husband and father of a family. He knows her better than you and will know how to take her, at the same time the mother will be more inclined to comply with the requests of the child rather than yours.
Look for a "home at a safe distance
The first rule of surviving a pushy mother-in-law is to live as far away from her as possible. Of course, we're not telling you to choose another continent, but a house far enough away to discourage her from breaking in constantly. Also, avoid entrusting her with your keys because this, albeit innocent, gesture could turn into a weapon that the most curious mothers-in-law will certainly know how to backfire. So, to protect the privacy of your couple, set the record straight and avoid sending her ambiguous messages that she could interpret as free access to your home or, worse, to your life. The boundaries between you and her must be clearly marked and cannot be crossed.
Never argue in front of the mother-in-law
Whatever happens, never give in to the temptation to argue with your husband in front of his mother. This will give rise to her suspicions of you, which is that you are not the right woman for her child, much less a suitable mother to raise her grandchildren. Furthermore, witnessing any disagreements would give an intrusive mother-in-law even more margin of interference, thus feeling entitled to express her own opinion about it and, in all likelihood, to take the defense of her son, in his eyes always and in any case her little child. .
Talk openly with your partner
Regardless of the fact that your mother-in-law may be the most nerve-wracking individual you know, free and open communication with your partner is the basis of any happy relationship. So, especially in this specific case, compare yourself as much as you can with your husband, let off steam with clarity and let him know what is wrong with your relationship with your mother-in-law. If you approach the subject in a sincere and polite manner (always remember that it is his mother that you are talking about!), He will understand the situation and will do everything to support you.
Be empathetic
Empathy is a rare gift and allows us to go beyond appearances. This is why we recommend that you be as empathetic as you can towards your mother-in-law. Even if it is difficult, try to put yourself in her shoes: it is not always easy to witness the gradual estrangement of children, when it happens you feel useless and deprived of your role as a mother. Probably, this is the feeling that pushes your mother-in-law to adopt certain unorthodox attitudes, caused not so much by wickedness as by excessive love. Have you ever thought that your husband's mother is intrusive not because she wants to manipulate you or to spite you, but because it is the only means by which she believes she can maintain that special bond between her and her son?
Build a friendly relationship with your mother-in-law
Of course, your mother-in-law doesn't have to take over from your mother or turn into your best friend, but always remember that she too is a woman, wife and mother exactly like you, so you already have some points in common. When you interact with her, show interest in her past, in how she dealt with certain experiences, in short, ask her for advice. By making her feel useful and appreciated, she will no longer see you as a hostile presence, but as an ally to support.
It abounds in compliments
To ease the tension, especially between two women, a good dose of compliments never hurts. “I find you super fit”, “Your tiramisu is spectacular!”, Here are some phrases with which to flatter your mother-in-law. This technique will certainly make her in a good mood and recognizing her merits will curb that senseless rivalry against you.
Talk to a family counselor
If the situation really gets down and your mother-in-law is a lost case, you need to intervene and do it as soon as possible. Even if she is your husband's mother, this woman cannot assume the right to affect your well-being as a couple and your mental health, so consider seeking family counselors with the expertise to help you get out of harm's way. this oppressive condition, without quarrels or drama.
Funny quotes about mother-in-law
My mother-in-law keeps my children on Saturdays, on the other hand I keep hers every day!
Anonymous
The father-in-law loves the son-in-law, he loves the daughter-in-law; the mother-in-law loves her son-in-law, but she certainly doesn't love her daughter-in-law. Everything is mutual.
Jean de La Bruyère
As long as the mother-in-law is alive, domestic peace is out of the question.
Juvenal
You are only successful if your mother-in-law says so.
Wiet Van Broeckhoven
Knowing that I adore my mother-in-law! He takes her with me everywhere, but she always manages to find her way home.
Anonymous
When the mother-in-law enters the door, love flies away from the window.
Helen Rowland
