Explain a divorce to your child
1- Find the right words
Generally, a separation does not come unexpectedly, without warning signs: quarrels, shouts, criticisms, tense atmosphere ... It is therefore unlikely that your child has not realized it. Unconsciously, he has no doubt already realized that the situation is no longer so rosy at home.
As far as possible, explain to him, along with your husband, what is happening. It is important that you know that you have made a decision together, to avoid blaming one parent or the other.
Explain to him that his father and his mother loved each other so much but that today they are struggling to get along and live together.
Reassure him by reminding him that you will always remain his parents, his father and his mother, and that your problems when you grow up do not change the love you feel for him.
What not to do: do not go into the details of the separation: the father fell in love with his boss and the mother preferred the intern!
2- Be honest
Being a parent also means building strength to protect your children. On the other hand, do not deny either your suffering or his.
You can very well tell him that being sad is normal and that dad and mom are too. We must not minimize the importance of this family upheaval.
Don't let him have false hopes if your decision is final. Don't make him believe, thinking to protect him, that one day you can get back together.
Explain to him in the simplest way possible how the situation will evolve: divorce application, waiting for the sentence and decisions on custody. Try to reassure him, ensuring that his dad and mom will find the best solution for everyone.
What not to do: make him participate in the reasons for your acrimony towards your partner. Your baby should not be taken hostage and feel obligated to side with either parent.
3- Remove the feelings of guilt
A child will always think that he has done something wrong and is responsible for the separation. He will think back to some details and imagine that the fact that he didn't fix his room could have triggered this breakup. It is very important to explain to him that it is not his fault and that it is his parents, grown-ups, who are divorcing, not him.
What not to do: let him listen to your tense conversations about the new organization, foster care, alimony ... All this must remain between you and your husband.
4- Reassure him about his life
When you announce the separation, your child will have the impression that his universe is collapsing and that everything is about to change. It is very important, therefore, that you manage to calm his fears, reminding him of his points of reference and giving him new ones.
Explain to him, if it fits with your husband, that he will continue to see you both, but on different days of the week. Tell them which ones, if you already know.
Also prepare him for the prospect of a possible move or, at least, to discover a new home. Include it in your preparations: "you will choose a wallpaper you like, some funny lamps, during the weekend you can bring your favorite soft toys with you ..."
What not to do: tell him that "nothing will change" because it is not true! On the contrary, tell him that there will be some small changes to make and that you probably won't have time to get bored, both of you ...
5- Answer your questions
After the announcement of the separation, your little one can lock himself up in silence or overwhelm you with questions.
Calmly respond to his doubts. Be ready to hear all the colors.
"My friend Luca hasn't seen his father since his parents divorced. Will the same thing happen?"
"Does Mom have a new lover?"
"And how will Santa Claus find me?"
"Will I continue to see Grandpa and Grandma?"
"Will you tell the teacher?"
What not to do: lie to him ... except for Santa Claus! If you feel as lost as he is about the organization, tell him that you do not know it yet and that you will answer him as soon as you can.
