Why did I betray him? The most common causes of female betrayal
Cheating on your man? It's not your style. Except, sometimes, you happen to imagine what it could be like ... if it happened by chance, out of love or out of desperation!
Feeling desired, take revenge for a betrayal ... One thing is certain: when it happens, there is always an excuse for betrayal, good or bad.
Six readers have agreed to talk about their infidelity, their motivations and the consequences this act has had on their life as a couple.
Yvon Dallaire, psychologist and sexologist, analyzed their testimonies for us.
The first thing to ask is in these cases: am I still in love? Here are some signs to understand it ...
See also
How to discover a betrayal: 7 foolproof techniques
Betraying to ... feel desired
Eleonora, 24, communications manager
After three years of history and a year of living together, my couple's balance was rather flat. First of all, Giacomo was very busy with his work. In particular, it was after we moved in together that I started to feel neglected. It was as if, by now, he took it for granted that I would always be there. Even from a sexual point of view, the roles seemed to have reversed: it was I who stepped forward, while he was passive. Result: I no longer felt protected or wanted ...
"With Paolo, I felt important again"
I met him for work. I already gave in to the first advances, a few weeks after our first meeting, and it went on for almost three months. At that time, I had a huge confusion in my head. I was sick, but then I went home and my man didn't deign to look at me ... His attitude made me feel entitled to betray him, it helped me to feel less guilty.
When I was with Paolo I felt alive, but with Giacomo I had the impression of being transparent. In the end I left him. My relationship with Paolo ended a short time later, but I have no regrets, because he gave me the strength to go away, allowing me to realize that the situation I was experiencing was not normal: that I deserved love, attention and passion.
Now I have been going out with a person for three weeks: for the moment I am fine with him, I feel completely satisfied!
The psychologist's opinion
Apparently, the lack of attention from a partner who takes everything for granted is one of the main causes of female infidelity. In fact, the attentions of their partner are very important for a woman: they are the ones who make her feel beautiful, that she has confidence in herself. Lacan rightly spoke of "desired women, desirable women and desiring women". To feel loved, a woman needs to be looked at and reassured about her power of seduction. Eleonora no longer saw passion in her partner's gaze, so Paolo's desire helped her to regain self-esteem and courage to make a decision that she did not dare to make before.
At the same time, to build a true love relationship, Eleonora will have to give up her need to seduce to feel alive, especially if this need is too strong for her.
This impulse probably stems from a frustration that, as a child, Eleonora lived in the relationship with her father and that can now push her to repeatedly betray her man. It is as if it were a way to make all men pay for her lack of self-esteem.
Betraying for ... fear of being alone
Noemi, 29, biologist
I have been with Stefano for three years and, for a year now, things have not been going so well between us.And precisely since I betrayed him for the first time. Later, then, I did it again with two other different men and, this summer, I lived my fourth adventure. Before, I would never have believed I was capable of it, because betrayal goes against my principles and my conception of love.
The real problem is that in our couple there are several misunderstandings that are impossible to resolve: Stefano has extreme political opinions that I just can't accept and I refuse to imagine raising children in such an environment ... first three infidelities I had the impression of changing scenery, of having fun. But this summer, when I met Bruno, it was all different ...
"I was waiting for him to ask me to join him"
I was texting Bruno while Stefano slept next to me. My heart was beating at a hundred an hour while I was waiting for his answer, I hid to call him secretly as soon as I could. I realized that it would take very little for me to leave everything for him, I would jump on the first train and join him. Unfortunately, however, he never asked me. Stefano never knew anything, neither about this flirtation, nor about the others. We are still together and now I hardly think about Bruno anymore, which proves that it wasn't him who I needed, but rather what it represented: an "opportunity to escape, to put an end to a relationship that is now close to me, without risking being alone.
The psychologist's opinion
Many women fail to put an end to stories that do not satisfy them. First of all, because every relationship, even if problematic, always gives "primary and secondary benefits", such as emotional and financial security.
But women can also be driven by a sense of duty, by the fear of making others suffer or even by the fear of being alone.
It's a vicious circle, and infidelity just complicates things.
Instead of facing the couple's problems, trying to solve them and saving what can be saved, they try to compensate with something else. This is why infidelities amplify relationship imbalances.
And Noemi must understand that the "lover must not" be a means to be able to leave her husband. The person with whom you have a relationship is like a lifesaver that allows you to get away from the shore (the current partner), but it has no value in itself. The ultimate goal is to set sail ... with or without a life jacket, it doesn't matter!
To rekindle the flame ...
See also: Sex to the beat of music: the 69 best songs for making love!
Betraying to ... take revenge for a betrayal
Angela, 34, journalist
When I was pregnant with our first child, my partner was in a relationship. She confessed to me two months after giving birth. The shock was terrible for me, but I decided to stay and, therefore, to forgive. But it was more difficult than expected! I had stopped working to raise our baby, the my body had changed ... In short, I felt more like a mother than a woman and his infidelity just reminded me of it! I felt that there was an imbalance between us, as if he was privileged over me because he could continue to seduce ... Socially I was quite isolated and I started going to forums to talk about my problem ...
"I wanted to clear the accounts"
On the internet I met a man, he too had been betrayed by his wife. We made an appointment and spent an afternoon in a hotel. We were there for the same reasons. It didn't matter who we were in front of. What mattered was that we both had the impression of canceling what our partners had done to us, putting ourselves on the same level as them. By betraying them too, we would be able to abandon the role of the "cuckold" victim.
Unlike my husband, I have decided to keep quiet. It was a parenthesis that belonged only to myself, a therapy rather than a revenge. A way to verify the fact that I could still like him, that I could live without him. On the other hand, I no longer allow myself to ask him for confirmation, to tell myself that I am the only one, even if I still need it ... My infidelity has helped me to put myself on the same level as my husband, but not to swallow the his betrayal.
The psychologist's opinion
Angela gives the impression that she wanted to gain power over her husband. The paradox is that, by not confessing her betrayal, she has become the true infidel! Angela's husband, but not her ... Her reaction reveals the great difficulty inherent in all betrayals: forgiving and going beyond does not mean forgetting!
Being unfaithful for revenge means adding a third problem to the previous two. There is a lack of balance in the couple, then a first betrayal. And another one is added! The morality "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" seems a bit outdated ... Plus it seems to me that the person for whom things are more complicated now is her, because she has to bear the weight of an "unconfessed infidelity. . Maybe she should tell her husband everything and express her true malaise once and for all, instead of living in the unspoken and frustrated.
Betraying because of ... passion
Maria, 28, event organizer
I met Davide immediately after a painful separation. Everything was fine between us, he is a decent man, balanced, kind, who made me feel good. I had always thought that his best friend, Antonio, was really seductive, but it remained a fantasy. One evening, I had been with Davide for six months, Antonio invites me to organize a surprise party for Davide. We spent a wonderful evening together, we talked, laughed ... and I realized the attraction that there was between us, that something was happening. The next day I talked to Antonio about it and found out that it was the same for him too. Shortly after we were in bed together.
"I would have liked to leave Davide"
Now only one thing mattered to us: being together. I couldn't feel guilty, for me being in his arms was the most natural thing in the world. I wanted to leave Davide immediately, but Antonio didn't want to.
Officially because he didn't want to hurt his friend, unofficially because, perhaps, that situation was comfortable for him ... I think it was his refusal to trigger something in my head and, little by little, I started putting him under pressure. In the meantime, in reality, I was learning to love David.
In all, this double life lasted three years. Davide never noticed. He and I will get married in June. I am 100% sure of my choice and of my love for him. However, the dilemma remains: should I confess my betrayal to him? our marriage to a lie ... but I'm also afraid the truth will ruin everything ...
The psychologist's opinion
Infidelities often arise under the sign of passion. Simply because most love stories are born with it. Love, on the other hand, is what grows when passion diminishes, when we begin to truly discover the other: this is the evolution that the life of each couple, the same that followed Mary and David. Often, adulterous relationships do not pass to the next level, they remain passionate, because they rarely survive the transition from "forbidden" to "possible". When it becomes "admissible", passion loses its intensity and is not always replaced by "love, the true one ... It is useless to make fun of ourselves, infidelity relationships often compensate for gaps in the couple, and they are not true relationships that could replace it.
It is surprising how David did not notice anything, but there is no worse blind than those who do not want to see ... Now the question to ask is: would their couple survive the truth? couple and improve their relationship, I encourage her to do so, but if she does, she should prepare herself for a lot of turmoil ...
Cheating to ... make your man react
Alessandra, 35 years old, teacher
I immediately fell in love with Renzo. From the start, our story was not very balanced. I have always wanted a fusional relationship, but he is so independent ... The more I felt distant, the more I attached myself to him and the more I needed it ... he must have had the impression of having me in his grip, as much as I depended on him. Once we were together for an evening and one of his friends started hitting on me, right in front of his eyes.Renzo didn't bat an eye, and so I felt entitled, if not obliged, to go further. We flirted all evening in an upstairs room ...
"His reaction disappointed me"
I confessed it to him the next morning. To free myself from a burden, of course, but above all because I was convinced that this episode would make him react, it would open his eyes to the possibility of losing me. And I remember that I looked in his eyes for the presence of a minimal expression ... and also that I have not seen it.
I would have preferred screams and tears, they would have proved to me that I was important to him, that he felt that our couple was in danger. This infidelity did not allow me to react, but it helped me to understand that the absence of a reaction meant a lot to me ... It was like an electric shock that allowed me to end this relationship in which, visibly, I was the only one who was really involved ...
The psychologist's opinion
Often, when an "infidelity is discovered by chance, we speak of a" failed act. "In reality, we realize that the person who has cheated has done everything to be discovered, in order to shake his partner, to revolutionize the their couple and draw attention to themselves. In the case of Alessandra, the only difference is that the intention to "make the" other "react was conscious.
Unfortunately, cheating has never been good couples therapy. The consequences are never trivial and leave scars forever. The ideal is to confront and change the couple's habits rather than provoke a crisis. There are other ways to make the other react without endangering the trust and respect between two people: distance yourself, both geographically and emotionally, take stock of their respective needs, express their dissatisfaction without oppressing the other ...
In addition, obviously, this strategy did not work and perhaps Alessandra was also wrong about the reasons why her man did not react. Was it really indifference? What if he really loved her, but also had enough control over his emotions not to show his suffering? reason to make the other react.
Betrayed by ... chance
Sofia, 34, bookseller
I have been married for eight years and we have three children. We are an example of the so-called "exemplary couples". When we met we were young and now we know each other very well. There is a lot of respect between us, a lot of complicity and communication. However, two years ago, I had an affair with another man. I was on vacation with my children and my husband had stayed in town for work. we barely spoke. One glass too many and we found ourselves in his bungalow, while my children slept in the hotel. I was caught in the whirlwind of passion
and I still can't explain it to myself ...
"I feel so guilty"
The next day I was already out of the cloud and the sense of guilt gripped me for four days. I've lived with this secret ever since, but something broke between my husband and me. And I feel so guilty that I can no longer accept his tenderness. I would give everything to be able to confess what happened, but I know that our story would not survive ... he was the first man I met and I also want him to remain the last.
The psychologist's opinion
Sofia's story shows that, contrary to popular belief, purely sexual betrayal is not just a thing for men ... On the other hand, this testimony proves that infidelity does not always arise from the presence of an internal problem in the couple. All couples, even the most stable, are exposed. The sexual instinct exists in each of us and the human being is polygamous by nature, constantly looking for pleasure. The moral choices he is forced to make go against his deepest nature. Love and passion depend on two different neurological and psychic spheres. The first concerns feelings, the second, on the other hand, emotions and sensations. No human being, even if in love, is capable of remaining indifferent to a person who finds attractive or sexy Loyalty is first of all the will to be faithful!
In any case, Sofia does not seem able to endure this situation for much longer and her husband certainly suffers. It is evident that what is killing this couple is the existence of a secret, rather than the infidelity in and of itself. Perhaps Sofia's fear that the couple will not survive is not unfounded. But what is the use of being a couple, if not to overcome fears together?
Confess treason ... or not?
The right question to ask is "why do I want to talk about it?"
The admission of a betrayal almost always leads to a breakup. Almost 45% of couples divorce when the unfaithful self confesses their betrayal, but this percentage reaches 86% if the unfaithful partner is discovered. Sometimes, the fact to keep quiet encourages to continue the betrayal. Result: shame and guilt end up ruining the relationship even before you have tried to save it. On the other hand, it is better to keep quiet if the confession only serves to silence one's conscience, or if you know if the partner would not be able to bear it. Ditto if the infidelity is long-standing and has long since ended. "Try asking yourself if the truth would help calm your conscience, or if it could really improve your life as a couple"summarizes the psychologist.
Choosing the right time
If the partner is going through a difficult time, both from a sentimental and professional point of view, it is better to postpone the confession. "The partner must be well both mentally and physically to have clear ideas and draw their consequences with a fresh mind.'
Don't blame the other
It will be necessary to control one's hostility and the tendency to defend oneself in front of the partner's inevitable angry reaction. And, above all, do not accuse the partner of being the cause of the betrayal with phrases such as: "if you had told me more often that you loved me or if you wanted to make love more often, it would never have happened'.
'Taking responsibility is the first step to calm the situation", advises the psychologist.
Don't say too much
To prevent the partner from imagining the worst, it is best to answer only legitimate questions (with whom, when, where ...): the more you go into detail, the more things your partner will have to forgive.
Don't hope for immediate forgiveness
Let the partner have the opportunity to express anger, disappointment and sadness ... They will probably need to talk about it for a long time. "It is necessary toaccept that the partner returns regularly to the "topic", stresses the psychologist. Sometimes couples therapy is the solution. This would show that the partner is also willing to save the couple.
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