Love bombing: simple courtship or psychological abuse?
It is said that the initial phase of a relationship is the best, the most intense and the most romantic. That moment in which both components of the couple tend to highlight the best side of themselves and keep the worst one hidden. Sweet good morning messages, candlelit dinners, bouquets of flowers. It all sounds fantastic, but be careful because behind what could be mistaken for a very common seduction technique there can be hidden an insidious form of emotional abuse. We are talking about love bombing, a phenomenon that you may never have heard of yet but that you have probably experienced in the course of your relationships. Let's find out more about what it is and how to defend against this narcissistic tactic.
Before reading, watch this video and discover the benefits of love, the true one.
What is it about
"Love bombing is a tactic with which a predator secures his victim by relying on his emotional frailties and, more generally, on the unconscious need that every person has to be loved unconditionally, to be accepted and to feel part of something" . It is with these words that the psychologist Anna De Simone defines love bombing, an expression still little known in Italy, but which refers to a phenomenon that many of us, alas, have experienced at least once in the course of their lives.
You know the initial phase of a relationship, when everything seems to be going well and you are convinced that you have finally found the right person for you? That period in which your partner "bombards" you with continuous declarations of love, blatant gestures, compliments to go-go, making you believe you are the prince charming you have been waiting for so long? When this incipit lasts relatively short and is followed by a sharp change in direction, in which that initial romance seems just an old memory and the partner seems to have lost all interest in you at the exact moment in which you reveal yourself more in love than ever, we have to do with a clear manifestation of love bombing.
Although the word "love" is included in the name, such behavior has very little to do with this feeling. It is, in fact, a form of manipulation, more or less conscious, with which a person, usually a pathological narcissist and most of the time a man, exploits the vulnerability and the need for attention of his prey to be able to manipulate it at will. . A strategy also often adopted by religious sects to attract new followers.
Phases
As mentioned above, love bombing is only the beginning of a relationship which, made up of continuous ups and downs, is likely to prove dysfunctional. During the initial courtship, the love bomber will do anything to conquer his prey and future victim, rushing into exaggerated displays of affection and strong statements, such as "You are different from the others" or “I've never experienced anything like it”. The problem with this phenomenon is the excessive emphasis on gestures and the precocity of certain behaviors. Not to be cynical, but it is very unlikely that a person will fall in love in such a short time and without knowing the partner in depth. It is a bit like with fire: the sooner it ignites, the sooner it is consumed. In fact, at this first moment, in which the narcissist will put you on the pedestal, other phases will follow, steeped in bitterness and disenchantment.
The process, which often repeats itself, is usually this: after having bitten you through an alleged and complete devotion to you, the love bomber knows he has you in his power and uses his dominant position to bind you to himself and isolate yourself from your network of contacts, friends and family in the first place. Thereafter, it will exert total control over your life, gradually depriving you of the freedom of choice and action. As the narcissist will have ascertained your addiction towards him, he will condition you to the point of making you see things only from his point of view and will begin to manipulate you, putting a strain on your mental stability, through the use of psychological traps. , such as the tendency to constantly make yourself feel guilty. This form of psychological abuse, if perpetuated over time, will only demolish the victim, further aggravating his fear of abandonment and exacerbating his emotional dependence.
How long does it last?
It is not always easy to predict its duration. Usually, this can be weeks, but it can also be months. It all depends on the way the prey reacts to the attention and romantic "bombardment" of the partner. First the victim succumbs to the narcissist's advances, falling into his trap, and the sooner this phase of the relationship ends.
The identikit of the love bomber
Often, the identikit of this individual coincides with that of a pathological narcissist, that is, a self-centered and unresolved person, with an extreme need for attention and a mania for control over those around him. Those who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder are known for their lack of empathy and, therefore, have no qualms about taking advantage of the frailty of others to feed their ego and indulge their thirst for power. Furthermore, the narcissist's ability lies in being able to immediately recognize the perfect prey and touch the right strings to trap it in his own net.
Who is the victim
In general, no one, regardless of lifestyle and social and economic context, can be said to be truly immune to such a boarding technique. However, there are people who are more likely than others to develop an emotional dependence and establish dysfunctional relationships. They are almost always individuals with a considerable emotional baggage, a past or a present made up of suffering and loneliness and low self-esteem. It is precisely this fragility that increases their "desperate" need for love, making it so obvious to the predator on duty that he will be able to exploit it to get what he wants.
How to recognize love bombing
Sometimes, it's very easy to confuse toxic love with passionate love. So, to understand if you are a victim of love bombing, pay attention to these alarm bells:
- It all happens too quickly: you have been dating for just two weeks, but he already declares himself in love with you and does everything to flaunt it in an exaggerated way? Often, this is a typical love bomber attitude to watch out for.
- "I no longer recognize you": gradually you will no longer be in control of your life because the narcissist will begin to control all your movements, limiting your personal freedoms and isolating you from your circle of acquaintances. It is at this point that your loved ones will usually point out to you that you have changed since you have been with him and you will find it hard to believe, because they are now completely manipulated.
- The sense of guilt: if there is one thing in which the love-bomber excels, that is to trigger a constant sense of guilt in the partner. By doing so, he will be able to pass for the victim of the situation and further bind the other to himself.
How to prevent or get out of it
When it comes to toxic love affairs, prevention is better than cure. In any case, here are some behaviors to adopt to get out of this condition or to recognize and avoid falling into this psychological trap from the start:
- Be wary of the partner's early and suffocating attachment
- Do not mistake excessive jealousy for love, especially at the beginning of the relationship
- Trust the people who really love you and consider their opinion. If your loved ones point out that they have noticed a negative change in you, don't be angry, but listen to them. If they tell you these things it is only because they care about you and want to protect you.
- Permanently stop any form of contact with the narcissist. No messages, no likes, no calls, much less meetings. If necessary, block it on all platforms you have in common.
- Don't be afraid to seek help from a competent psychotherapist who will be able to accompany you in this process with the right therapy for you.
