Difficulties and advantages of knowing how to forgive
What is forgiveness?
A disappointment, a great humiliation, a betrayal are hardly forgivable. An act of courage for some, or of weakness for others, forgiveness is able to restore the bond with the person we loved. A bond now made up of resentment, bitterness and hatred. Knowing how to forgive means turning the page and letting go of resentments and misunderstandings. And it also means accepting the mistakes of others. If we think that everyone can make mistakes, it becomes impossible to hate the other and, in some cases, we even go so far as to admit that we have a share of responsibility for what happened. Knowing how to forgive basically means showing great tolerance and open-mindedness, admitting the error of the other and accepting that this person has made us suffer.
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Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean understanding or excusing a defect or an act that has hurt us; it is even less a favor that is granted "to the guilty", or a way for him to get better and start over. Here are the good reasons to forgive:
- Knowing how to forgive can be a somewhat selfish act, which one does for oneself, to feel lighter and happier. Because we know: hatred or the desire for revenge prevent us from forgetting and, in the long run, demoralize.
- Knowing how to forgive also means forgiving yourself and getting out of a state of intolerance to take back the reins of your own destiny. Forgiveness allows you to take off a burden, get rid of a past that oppresses us, recover your autonomy.
- In some cases, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. A very dear friend who has hidden something serious from us, a dear friend who has put us in a humiliating situation. Sometimes it is possible to reconnect, distancing oneself from the events that have offended us. When it comes to love and betrayal, however, if it is often possible to forgive, reconciliation becomes more difficult. Forgiveness simply serves to make us understand that it is useless to scold the ex for the failure of the relationship, but rather we must take note of the end of a story in order to move forward.
Forgiveness is sometimes long and painful, and goes through various stages:
• Awareness: they have hurt you and you begin to become aware of it. Some suffer and mull over in silence, others choose to develop different strategies, rationalize what happened, or refuse to accept the event.
• Reproaches: you have chosen to become aware of things and express your anger and indignation. This is a painful but important step to subsequently transform negative energy into positive. Expressing the hatred and bitterness you feel is a necessary step. Often we feel a real dislike for the person who hurt us, which sometimes helps to overcome the test, and it is normal. Instead, it is preferable not to see the person who has offended us, at least in the early days. The ideal is to talk to loved ones about what happens to discharge negative emotions and, possibly, to receive advice.
• Relativize: then comes the hinge period, during which a sort of inventory is made. We begin to reconsider the event that hurt us and we learn to relativize. The important thing is to distance yourself from what happened, avoiding feeling guilty. You begin to learn to detach yourself from the other and to accept the reality of a relationship that is now over.
• Forgiveness: it is necessary to accept this painful passage and leave the role of victim. A "friend who betrayed you, a family member who hurt you, a man who abandoned you. You will only be able to forgive on two conditions: if you no longer feel a grudge against the person who offended you and if you feel ready to take back the reins of your life and to move forward. Sometimes forgiveness can make you stronger. Finally, it is important to let some time pass before forgiving, so that forgiveness is a natural and definitive stage.
Do I have to forgive everything?
The notion of forgiveness does not depend on the act. Undoubtedly a crime, an incest, a rape, a serious accident can be considered traumatizing and therefore unforgivable events. It is not a question of knowing what one should or should not forgive, but of understanding if you are able to do it, it is all a question of understanding and defining forgiveness.
Knowing how to forgive, an open debate ...
Religion (in particular Christianity and Judaism) constantly reminds us that we must learn to forgive, without however denying the difficulty of this act. Personal development seminars also insist on the benefits of forgiveness. But specialists are not always of the same opinion. According to them, this concept has nothing clinical and, in the most serious cases, it can even represent a risk for the victims, who could feel responsible or guilty of their acts. The “Zen” dimension that characterizes forgiveness is very complicated on an unconscious level. Finally, if something happens in the family and a member decides to forgive what happened, they also risk being rejected by others who are not ready to forgive because they have not followed the same inner path.
