Separated parents and children: 8 rules for not making them suffer
Each couple goes through stormy times, but not all make it out unscathed. When separation is the only way forward, keep in mind that the breakup itself is not a failure or a way to lose your other half, but a precious moment of personal introspection to rediscover yourself. Find out more tips on how to overcome the crisis of couples in this useful video We give the floor to a consultant in sexology.
The experience of the children of separated parents
Separation is an event that involves the whole family, not just the couple. It is a period of tension that involves the people most dear to us, including children.
They feel and perceive everything, since they are very young: it is likely that they have already understood that there is a change taking place.
Evolutions that will inevitably take place, both from an organizational and an emotional point of view. The consequences for them, unlike what is commonly thought, are not always negative if the situation is managed with maturity and respect for the emotions of others.
When mom and dad separate, the child experiences new, even strong, and conflicting feelings. You go from anger to sadness, from fear to a sense of abandonment in a short time, but they are all physiological sensations due to parental separation and they pass once you are used to the situation.
In fact, it has been studied that over time these emotions in children tend to fade, as they have a better ability to react and recover than an adult: children suffer like parents, but they are able to transmute this traumatic experience into strength, showing all their resilience.
Take a cue from them and follow these 8 rules for dealing with your breakup.
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1. Talk to the other parent and the children
Dialogue is certainly at the head of the parents' difficulties when a separation is in progress.
Communication suffers, especially at the beginning, but it is essential to make an effort for the good of your children.
It is in fact known that managing the relationship between mothers and fathers is important to ensure that children overcome the traumatic event in the best possible way.
In the very early days it is recommended to cut out emotions: communicate only practical matters to the ex partner and use a "safe" space that minimizes the risk of making you explode into inappropriate attitudes. This is a goal that can only be achieved after understanding that the romantic love between you has come to an end. Having reached this goal, it is advisable to inform the child of the situation, and with him also the whole sphere of the affections that will be involved in its management.
As soon as you feel ready, remember to communicate your desire to separate yourself from your father in the first person. Go for simple terms and set aside a moment for everyone, if possible. Only in this way can you talk about it together in a serene way: if the decision is made, don't lie to him, it's the best thing. Give space to his questions and show yourself present. Above all, reassure him that even with this separation he will not lose his parents.
It is not possible to predict his reaction, but be patient with his "whys" or try to understand his willingness to be silent until he has processed all the information.
2. Not failing in your parenting responsibilities
In such a time of uncertainty and discomfort for the child, it is good to reclaim your role as a parent right away. Translated: you make it clear that everything was done on your part to keep the union strong, but that in the end the breakup as a couple was the best decision.
Also make it clear to the child that the decision to separate is the fruit of adults only and that he has no responsibility or fault for the situation that has arisen.
The end of a love and relationship as it has been until now is obviously difficult for you and for the other, but the child is always under your care and must be protected.If necessary, get support from a family dynamics specialist, he will guide you to give new perspectives to your child.
3. Don't ask your children to choose
This rule is linked to the previous one, as your attitude as a parent towards the child must always be respectful. It is unthinkable for a child to have to make a decision of this magnitude, choosing between mom and dad is an impossible task for him!
You will have to be the one, in agreement with the ex partner, to outline a new routine; delegating this duty to him would affect his ability to bond with others in the future.
4. Being able to make choices together
Never discredit the other parent in the eyes of the children, even if they are not very present.
Playing the victim with the little ones is not a viable path, as it does not allow them to react serenely to what happens.
Instead, opt to focus on a shared educational project that also includes the other parent. Decisions, if you have managed to remain on good terms, must be made together if they concern the general management of the child. This is where education, education, health ... important issues that are worth discussing as a mother and father of a child and not as a former partner.
On the other hand, the matter of ordinary and daily organization is different, which can be delegated even only to a parental figure if it holds exclusive custody.
5. Maintain mutual respect
Respect and loyalty for children are concepts that must never be lacking. If we manage to have this behavior towards them it will be easier for them to have respect also for the other parent who has moved away.
Absolutely not recommended to prevent him from communicating with the other reference figure; even if it is a difficult moment with the other, it is always good to remain anchored to the role of parent and guide the child towards dialogue rather than resentment.
It is obviously very important that you manage to maintain respect towards your ex because he will always remain a key person for the guy and will be present in his life even if yours proceed in different directions.
If there are points or issues in which you find yourself in disagreement, it will be good to talk about them separately, to clarify yourself privately without the presence of the child.
The feeling of appreciation for the other parent will come in handy in the moment of separation (or the transition from one figure to another), one of the most delicate when dealing with two parents going through a separation. For children, these rites are useful to understand if there is still collaboration between you and if they can really trust mum and dad.
6. Manage conflicts by avoiding aggressive episodes
Separating "well" is a factor that affects the correct emotional development of children in the long term: surely a child undergoes all the critical situation and the parents' decision to separate, experiencing suffering and fatigue. However, in the long run, the children of separated parents have always stressed that the primary source of discomfort for them was not so much the separation of the parents itself, but rather the conflict in the family.
For the emotional balance of children it is therefore more important to limit conflicts and episodes of aggression in their presence. With less quarrels, anxieties and misunderstandings, the little one has more room to grow, even mentally.
7. Keep your promises and celebrate together
Celebrating all the important moments together is a good practice to adopt.
Of course this can happen if both parties are happy. In general it is important for the little one that his birthday is celebrated together, to reassure him that his mother and father are not separating from him.
If possible, it is also desirable to go together to those more institutional occasions, such as interviews at school, doctor's appointments or in all those moments where other important figures in the boy's life are involved. Children should never be left alone to make decisions that are parents' duties - try to keep the promises you make to both young and older children.
8. Respect the deadlines for introducing new partners
New partners are for both parents an aspect that sooner or later must touch in the family. There are some precautions that can be put in place to facilitate the introduction of these figures into the house and avoid the typical relationship problems with 'intruders'.
For example, it is never a good idea to speed up times and above all make risky moves; it is wiser to respect the child's elaboration of the breakup of the parental couple and only then bring the new partner home.
Agree with the other the methods of introduction most suited to the children and especially when the time comes, do not present them as future parents.
Putting biological parents in competition with in-laws leads nowhere ... better to opt to create the basis for concrete and loving relationships.
